Understanding and Meeting Children's Emotional Needs

Children are born with emotional needs that as caregivers and parents we try to understand and meet. Those needs are much more obvious when they are babies! They are dependent on us to survive! Not only survive but our care towards them builds trust which they will take with them as they grow, and this allows them to feel safe in the world. As children grow different situations can produce different emotional responses that we as parents need to be aware of and meet their needs and help them through these times.

Right from the beginning there are different opinions about parenting – some suggesting ‘cry it out’ to get a baby sleeping through or not holding them too much. From a psychological and attachment parenting viewpoint – these practices that are recommended are not meeting the emotional needs of a baby. When they stop crying, it is not because they have learnt to sleep – it because they have given up the idea of that need being met.

Meeting the emotional needs of children means that they know we are present; we are there to listen and to not judge or belittle their feelings. It is our job as parents to help them meander their feelings and emotions as they face different situations while growing up. It can be challenging at times especially as they get older and hit the teenage years but is often at these times, they need us most (even though they don’t always show it).

It is important as a parent that you recognise that YOU are the expert of your child. You know how they deal with different situations, how emotions and behaviour are acted out as a response to something. It is that expertise that will allow you to meet their emotional needs. Taking ideas from professionals and others is okay – it can be helpful and trying different methods of helping your child is good; but it will usually need tweaking or personalising as all children are different.

One of my children had a really hard time processing emotions at primary school age (5-7 years especially) and when he was frustrated or had acted out, all I could do to ease the emotions was to cuddle him. So many around us didn’t agree with me cuddling at the time that he had lost control in an inappropriate way. However, after a few minutes when he felt in a safe and calm mental state, I was able to discuss the inappropriate behaviour and how to deal with the feelings in a better way. For me this was much more productive and beneficial.

As children grow, an automatic response by adults is that they should know and be able to deal with their emotions better. Research has shown that the brain is still developing until the mid 20’s, compared to before when it was thought the brain was fully developed in the teenage years. A growing child is constantly having hormone surges, and this is not just in puberty. Before puberty children have hormone surges and these affect behaviour and emotions. One such surge is around the age of 7 or 8 years old when there is an increase in adrenal androgens. This surge unlike puberty which is more physical tends to be to more emotional development. I think we have all seen a 7 or 8-year-olds that suddenly change personality or behaviours!!!

Challenges children face as they grow can include friendships, bullying, exams, peer pressures and identity. Each can produce emotions such as worry, apprehension, dread, fear and distress. This may present in ways such as refusing to go to school, spending increasing time alone, aggression or withdrawal.   Ways we can make sure we are meeting their emotional needs is to make sure they are heard and noticed. Pick up on their behaviours and identify if changes can be as a result of something. Ask questions, play with them and get involved with things that they enjoy.

As well as normal challenges children face, they are often aware of what is going on in the world and know more than we think. Children can get information from different sources including social media, friends, school and the internet. Constant information (true or not) can be overwhelming for anyone so it is important to create an environment where you children feel safe to discuss with you things they hear and can express themselves (also limiting what they are seeing screens).  They are good at picking up on the emotions of adults around them from a very young age. The Covid-19 current pandemic is one of these issues that can be causing emotional upset. As adults we are nervous and facing the unknown; children are in the same position so it important that we address any feelings or worries they have.

So, as a parent meeting the emotional needs of your children from the day they are born up until adulthood plays an important role in their well-being and development. If you can take only a few things from this I would say to make time to listen to them. Respect them, show them they are important and valued and make sure they feel they are in a secure environment to express themselves whatever they are feeling.